Lights of my life though they are, my children are also the medium through which life’s flaws, follies and irritations often reveal themselves to me. Here are my favourite bemusements-de-jour.
1 They really are too tired to sleep
Ah, the joy of falling asleep; that warm, fuzzy drift out of sensory range that parents remember so well, but can no longer indulge, mainly because the bloomin’ infants won’t have it.
The notion that babies don’t know how to sleep is a misconception. Babies know full well know how to sleep – they just don’t know when to, or why, so they militate against the sensation. Cue feedback loop: the more they fight it, the more tired they get, the less able to settle they are, the more they panic, the more they fight it…
This definitely should have been caught at the design stage.
2. The child / testicle nexus
If you are a dad reading this, your family jewels have presumably already served you well. Ironic, then, that your progeny should reward this success by smashing you in the nuts at every opportunity. Children reach the optimum height for head-butting your crotch, just as they reach the optimum age for running headlong into things without looking. In a further sign that dads may have been cast adrift by the gods, the crotch is also at perfect object-throwing height, too. Needless to say, medium sized dead weights will be hurled into your tackle daily, and with laser-guided precision.
3. Child Car Seats
Question: How many times have you smacked your child’s head against the door-frame of your car trying to slide them into the car seat? If you’re me, the answer is every time.
By rights, the mere suggestion that the family load up the car should have your kids reaching for their bike helmets. Instead, they invariably dance with joy.
I suspect concussion.
4. ‘Pull-over’ sleep-suits
* The pullover sleep suit must be pulled over the baby’s head to put it on.
* Newborn babies can’t sit up.
Yes, I know it can be done. It’s still a pain in the poppers, though.
5. The crazy assumption that age makes you a better parent
Because experience counts for naught when your baby daughter decides she wants to sing gurgle karaoke from 3 to 6am
I’m only 39 but, chastened by many a long night rocking and soothing, I would probably swap some experience for a little more energy.
I’ve just read this back. Wow, I really am tired.